No really… Does anyone have a first aid kit?
The question is where do I even begin? We were together for almost 2 years. Our friendship turned into a relationship after 13 days of knowing each other. I thought this was it. I thought you were the one I’d prayed for and longed for. I fell in love with you so hard! I regarded you above myself. And that is not an understatement. You made be feel different. A way I had never felt before. I felt like a woman finally being treated they way I deserved… The only thing is that didn’t last very long…. I found myself making excuses for you. Things took a turn for the worst and althought I was willing to work through it all I could tell you didn’t feel the same way. You had this ideas of this fairy tale life. Many people would say women have this ideas of a “Prince Charming” but no, in fact you had the idea of a “princess charming”. You wanted me to be this princess dressed in a fancy ball gown, with one slipper on my feet. Waiting for you to swoop me up after you found my glass slipper and ride away on horse and carriage together. Maybe you forgot we lived in TEXAS. On the other hand I had this concept of a relationship is what you make it. Yes, good times are present and bad times comes also. But the relationship is more about how we work together and stay on the same path.
As you know from my last blog post. That relationship did not last. Unfortunately the slogan good things never last was knock and we answered it. We agreed to let go and move on no matter how painfully dreadful it was. We tried the friend thing but that fail miserably. I mean really how can you go from being madly in love to being friends.. yeahhhh that wasn’t for us at the time.
So 4 months past without a single word of communication between us. We removed each other from social media in order to help us move forward. I admit at times it was hard but as days… weeks…. months passed, it became easier and easier. You became a distant memory. My life proceeded on and I even had other bachelor’s after me. But, I was regaining my contentness of being single.
One day out of no where..
All I remember is hearing my phone ring and looking over and your name popped up. My heart… well I gasped. I was shocked to be receiving a phone call from you. I hesitate if I should answer it. I didn’t know what to expect.
I can say it was a call that flipped things all over the place.
1. It’s been awhile but I have some things to say.
“You deserve better!”
It began all of a sudden. I wasn’t expecting it, I was not looking for it but it happened. You came into my life. So graceful. So smooth. As if you knew me in a prior life. I didn’t think too much of it because you were not my type but I was friendly and I didn’t think anything like this would happen. You infected my life. My world became our world. I had never cared more about someone more than I cared about myself. If you were my child I could understand.. but you were not. Everything was going well until it wasn’t and we were constantly at odds. I’m not sure if it was the loss of respect, the constant need to be right, the different views, or the top dog persona. But by far this has been the most challenging relationship I’ve ever had. There were times that I thought how could we move pass some of the hardship we faced. There we times we both wanted out. We wanted our freedom and our single lives again. Through our vacation and our daily interactions I became aware of things.
I DESERVED BETTER!!
Here are some signs that led me to this conclusion.
1. You disregarded everything I say. It started off small. But isn’t that how all things start. I would say something and you would compete with me. You would gather people to proved I didn’t know what I was talking about. You would ask question and denounce any answer I gave. And I dealt with that for week, months well.. years.. why… let just say it was a lesson I had to learn the hard way.
2. You only wanted me when it was convent for you. Whenever you wanted attention or affection I would hear from you and you would be all lovey Dovey. You would pick me up and put me down as if I was one of you toys on your self. That brings me to point 2A: You were selfish. Always thought of yourself before me. You would pretend as if you were taking on the role of a true gentleman when actually you were the opposite. You were controlling. It has to be your way or the highway. Many points in this situation ship, what it turned into you would make me feel so secluded and alone.
3. You blamed me for everything. Wrong or not I take the blame. When I get hurt, I’m blamed. When we argue, I’m blamed. When we fight, I’m blamed. When you fall. I’m blamed. When you make a mistake I’m blamed. If I tell you, I’m blamed. If I don’t I’m blamed. Whatever it is I’m blamed. If I did any wrong, I accept the the blame but I’m not always the one to blame. Yet whenever you are the blame. It’s a struggle for you to accept that. Most of the time you don’t accept the fact but instead I’ve taken the blame because you’ve blamed me. It’s rare you accept full responsibility for what your did. And that just not how a relationship works.
4. Communication was the key to our downfall. In your mind if you didn’t address it never happened.. In my mind we had to address to move on. It’s like we were at a stale mate. You didn’t but I did. So that caused many fights and many arguments. It was an endless cycle, that seemed unbreakable.
5. I always felt as if I was competing for your attention. Love became just another four letter word in the dictionary to you. You wouldn’t show much affection like you did in the past. But, yet when you were around your family you showed an enormous amount of affection. I dare say the amount of affection you showed them was wayyy more than I ever received. I couldn’t get half the attention your sister got and a tenth of what your mother got. I understand being close to your family but I am suppose to the main chick in your life. I am suppose to be your other half, the cheese to your crackers, the milk to your Oreo. The first one after the lord you want to talk to. But at times I felt 3rd place, 4th, and some times even 5th in your life. And my question is why? Things like this broke me down. Actually all of the things that I have mentioned before broke me. Writing out this post rebroked the brokenness that I already felt. Honestly at this point I feel I’m not good for anyone. No you, or any other man. Because I shatter, like a mirror crashing to the ground. Im all in pieces. Not worthy to be anyone wife, girl friend or possibly friend. Tears swell in my eyes as I write this… I despise feeling this way. But I ask myself why do I feel this way. It’s because my love for you runs so deep that I’m tore up from the inside. If it was merely the outside it could be fixed with a bandage but tell me how do you heal a broken heart. How do you repair feeling like life has been drain from you. How do you get what once was back. Idk… that I’m I here typing this all out and here you are seating next to me Unbothered. Unaffected. Unknowing. Unresponsive to what is now broken pieces.
6. You treated me like I was your child instead of your woman. When you say anything it goes. You expect me to leap, hop skip, jumping, dive in a cage full of shark with open wounds. You treat me like you own me. Like I’m your property, more like I’m the child you never had. You don’t lead me or guide me you dictate me. And when the Brittany in me rises up and response you tell me to shut up and pretty much get back in my place. As if I’m am a child. My own parents have never talking to me the way you have. They have never denounce my thoughts opinions like you have. Its like you don’t want my personality you want me to be whatever you want me to be at the moment. I have experience 17 year maybe a little more of being a child. I demand to be treat like a woman. YOUR WOMAN!! So, you need to accept that fact that I have thoughts, opinions and a brain of my own. It’s like your use to everyone depending on you to do everything but I come along having knowledge and knowing things and being able to use my brain just like you. But it seem that you don’t like to listen to me. As if listening to a woman’s thought is less important than your own. Why can’t our relationship be the best combination of the two of our brains in one. We could change the world but first thing we have to change our thought process to work together and not be in competition with one another or thinking our opinions are more valid that the other.
With all that said here I am still in this relationship wondering where to go from here…
Two word I never wanted to ever say again, Heart Broken.
At this moment, I’m not sure how to feel. A part me thinks I made a huge mistake. Like this is majority my fault, Like this could have been prevented. Maybe if I tried harder or maybe if things were different, everything would have worked. I’m questioning myself..
Like why did you give up so easy. Why didn’t you fight for what you wanted or maybe you did but you couldn’t do it any longer.
For months we were on the same page. Then one day I look up and I thought you just moved toward a different chapter, but you were in a whole, another, book.
How did we go from seeing each other and instantly smiling. To ignoring each other as we passed by. To me holding back the tears every time I see you. How did we… go from talking about “our future” to this.. to that moment.
When communication failed. And we were no longer playing on the same team…
Although You seem to be in a good place, I’m not. I’m heart broken, but I believe that will change one day. As for now I still miss you.
They say the first step is admitting. Well… I, Brittany Lee admit, that I NEED to change! I’m tired of this…
Every since I can remember I’ve been a quiet person. I speak when spoken too and it’s always been that way. Growing up in such a big family, I felt that I was lost. Everyone had this loud, vibrant personality and then there was me 🙍🏽. Growing up all I heard was, you are so quiet, you’re so shy or you’re so timid. Truthfully I was shy and I was quiet but I didn’t want to be! ! I hated being called quiet, shy and any related to that. It made me feel less compared to others. I felt like those people who called me those things never got to see me for who I really was. So, here I am 24 years old on the brink of 25 and guess what? I’m still quiet. I’m still shy and I still hate it.
I AM ABSOLUTELY FED UP WITH BEING AN INTROVERT!!!!!
Here are three reasons why I hate being an introvert.
1. People don’t get to see the real you. When you are quiet, people not only think you are shy,but that you’re boring. They tend to over look you like you’re not even there.
2. You miss out on opportunities. If you do not stand out jobs don’t hire you. If you can’t speak up you’ll never be heard and here I am on this blog trying to be heard when no ones listening.
3. You don’t have many friends. Being shy is a hindrance. I don’t talk to others unless they talk to me. Small talk scares me. Which is why most of the time I’m alone. I could want to be someone’s friend badly, but I can’t open my mouth even to say hey. It’s almost like being an introvert has made me fearful. Many times when you are quiet people also think you are mean which is another reason why I don’t have any friends. I know that if only people got to know me, we would hit it off. But this one thing hinders me…
Because I am an introvert I’m scared of:
-Being the center of attention
-Talking to people I don’t know
-Small talk (I’d rather message, email or instant message)
Now you see how being an introvert sucks and this is why I want to change. At the end of the day my prayer is that God, you don’t have to give me another car, you don’t have to give me another pair of shoes but, Lord give me a VOICE. Give me strength, boldness and courage to come out of this introverted spirit! In Jesus name. Amen.
Many people start blogs for serval reasons. I think the top two reasons is to help somebody else or as an outlet. My reason is as an outlet. I have come to the point in my life where I have so much I want to say, so much going on in my life but, I don’t have anyone to share those things with. No one who I feel will understand me fully or who doesnt have their own idea or perspective about what and how they think I should think or do. So here I am… One side of me wishing I had a older sister to talk too or a best friends who really knew me or a husband I could share all of my thoughts with but, the reality is I don’t. So, I choose to use this blog as an outlet to share my feelings, thoughts, emotions, doubts, fears, happy moments and sad moments. Not really sure if anyone will read this or if I even want anyone to read this but this is for Me. This is a chapter in my life where I want to really reflect and see where I am, where I am going and one day look back on where I came from. So let the beautiful story begin!